Dangerous Faith
Dangerous Faith is a ministry that strives to light a fire inside of Everyday Christians to live radically for Christ so that we can glorify God by advancing His Kingdom.
Dangerous Faith
104: What Happens AFTER the Fight? (Dangerous Life)
Nate Williams and the Dangerous Life Team talk conflict resolution. What happens AFTER the argument? How do we make things right?
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Welcome to the Dangerous Faith Podcast. My name is Nate Williams. With me we have Zeke, chloe, blake, justin and Mariah. We're going to get to conflict resolution. What happens after the argument? What happens after the fight? How do we heal things? But before we do so, we recently survived a major weather event. Justin, would you like to describe what happened on Friday?
Speaker 2:Well, this is Snowmageddon Part 2. Last year we had Snowmageddon Part 1 starring Bruce Willis.
Speaker 3:I don't remember him being here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he was here, he was here, it was amazing, but we survived.
Speaker 4:Barely though.
Speaker 2:Now, last night was Icemageddon, so you could slip and slide without all the extra steps you know, and total your car.
Speaker 4:It was pretty cool. Did you slip and slide last?
Speaker 2:night Only a lot.
Speaker 1:Only a lot. So we survived the snow, and for Coleman it's just how would you describe the snow we get?
Speaker 4:Anyone Probably like my love life Quick and disappointing.
Speaker 5:Okay, yes.
Speaker 4:Pretty accurate. Yeah, few inches no offense to anybody who's ever dated me. That's not a dig at you, that's just me personally.
Speaker 2:I think that they're the ones that need the help. Yeah.
Speaker 1:They're the ones that pray for them. And because of this, we spent time out in the snow and doing fun things, and now we all love the cold right.
Speaker 2:I actually love the cold Justin's in.
Speaker 1:Mariah a little bit. Zeke, Chloe, we love the cold.
Speaker 6:Now no, Archie does though Archie loves the cold.
Speaker 1:Goodness.
Speaker 4:At least y'all have one family member who has some sense. No, I hate the cold.
Speaker 1:Blake loves the cold.
Speaker 4:I'd rather be butt naked in Florida, being chased by a crack addict, than build a snowman.
Speaker 2:That is very common down there.
Speaker 4:It has happened before.
Speaker 3:He's speaking from experience, especially the butt naked part. The butt naked part.
Speaker 4:Is it buck naked or butt naked?
Speaker 5:Oh yeah, it depends how you want to say it, it is buck.
Speaker 2:But Is it Buck naked or Butt naked.
Speaker 5:It depends how you want to say it.
Speaker 6:It is Buck. But I say, butt, wait, it's Buck.
Speaker 4:No, it's Butt naked, right it's always been.
Speaker 5:Buck, but we say Butt.
Speaker 3:I said Butt, Justin Stoddard. Which one is it?
Speaker 1:Justin Stoddard. Which one is it? He's our live audience for today.
Speaker 5:If you'd like to be a part of the live audience, call Nate at audience for today.
Speaker 1:If you would like to be a part of the live audience, call me that. Moving on to our actual topic for today, we are all adults working adult jobs. I know we make you very proud, dear listener, but anyways, uh, conflict resolution, okay. So let's say you're with a partner spouse it could be your mom, dad, sibling, who knows, who knows but you get into, let's say, a pretty serious argument, pretty serious fight, and you know you need to make things better, you need to heal things, you need to just get back on good terms with said person. What happens next for you? And we can ask clarifying details from there. But what do you do, justin? Divorce Right away? That sounds like the opposite of resolution.
Speaker 2:Says divorce, we solved all the problems right there, okay, okay, by just cutting it off Now, while there is.
Speaker 1:That is a response, lets away other potential inputs Anyone else get into an argument. What happens then? Other potential inputs. Anyone else Get into an argument?
Speaker 6:What happens then? I think for me, one of the most important things to realize is it's not me, like, say, if it's me and Zeke, it's not me versus Zeke, it's me and Zeke versus the problem. I know that's so like okay, I know that's so like cliche, you hear that everywhere, but it's so true because it's really hard to remember in the middle of a fight that that it's y'all against the problem.
Speaker 1:It's not you versus the other person true, okay, so that's a change of perspective. You're not fighting the other person, at least you're not trying to okay, what else?
Speaker 5:this might be more in the midst of one, but I guess it could still be after. I know y'all probably all heard this phrase as a little kid if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. And so I think if you're a very reactive, like quick to jump at something person, maybe you should take that and be like okay, I don't have anything nice, that's definitely what I do, I just which I know, not saying anything at all. You obviously should say something. You know you should continue on for the resolution of the conflict, but I think if you're hot-headed and don't have anything great to say, right, then you need to take a moment and be like okay, evaluate your steps before taking any.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I just do deep self-reflection. I'm like how much of that was my fault, like truly my fault, and then be able to say sorry for everything that I did that's how I like to, that's how I like to resolve things is like, yeah, I can't. I just realized like what I did wrong, where I was at fault. I'm going to apologize for that.
Speaker 3:And then go based off their response off of that.
Speaker 2:So I do something very similar to that, where I just realize that it's literally never my fault. And it's always the other person that's to blame. Yeah, and if you're always right, you can never be wrong. I thought I was wrong one time.
Speaker 5:That is right.
Speaker 3:But then I realized I wasn't.
Speaker 5:I was wrong about being wrong actually.
Speaker 3:I think, serious people. So, mariah and Blake, I think y'all actually did a good job of explaining exactly what James talks about. With Mariah, your point of being, I don't want to just say something that could be hurtful or harmful. So James talks about how it's important that we be careful with our words, because our words can bring life or death, and that's a pretty extreme way of putting it, but I think it's. We take that for granted, so I applaud you for that. I think that's good.
Speaker 3:And, blake, you said you know self-reflection. I think there's a. That's also James, because he says like, be slow to speak, quick to listen and slow to anger. I may have got those out of order, but the point still stands of speaking is the thing that we shouldn't just jump into. Both of you are kind of saying the same thing but also the self-reflection and that's been the case for us. So just one.
Speaker 3:I don't get this from biblical anything. It's just something we've done and it worked for us and if it works for someone else, awesome. But if we're upset about something like in our marriage or it could be with a friendship, if it's something that we're upset about, we try. If it's, we're not sure if it's something serious enough, we try to take 24 hours before we say anything. And if like, for example, if I'm mad at or annoyed with Chloe at something, or just mad or whatever, I go 24 hours and I've already forgotten about it, obviously, or just mad or whatever and I go 24 hours and I've already forgotten about it, obviously it wasn't a big enough deal to matter. But if I'm still dwelling on it 24 hours later and I've had time to reflect on it, is this just me or is this something serious? If I'm still thinking about it 24 hours later, I'll bring it up and we'll discuss it, chloe.
Speaker 6:I think it's also really important to acknowledge the time and place that you're in when you're having an argument, because me and Zeke it's funny we found that most of our arguments we've had are like right before we're about to go to sleep, like we're about to go to bed because, you know, we, we spend all day apart. He's at work, I'm at school, and then when we finally come together and then like at night, I just want to like say everything, and then it's like at least sometimes not not always, but at least through the argument and, um, you know, a lot of people will say like before you get married, don't let the sun go down your anger. But I actually disagree with that because um so you would say to stay angry?
Speaker 6:there's no no, no, no. I would say sometimes you need sleep for your mind and your body to function appropriately. And I don't think that you need to stay awake, because the longer you stay awake, the more tired you're going to get, the more irritated're going to get. The more irritated you're going to get, the more angry you're going to speak Like it just leads to all these things. Sometimes you just need sleep. And then the next morning you'll wake up and be like wow, that really wasn't even a big deal.
Speaker 3:True, there's a sense in which I don't, because I mean that does come from the Bible, so I get where people are coming from, are times where you need to work something out, but yeah I know for us the majority sound like you said, like it's been.
Speaker 3:If I'm frustrated and upset, I can tell I'm not thinking clearly because I'm tired. And at that moment like I can just say like god, I know I'm angry, please take this away from me and I'm going to try and rest. And then 99 times out of 100 I wake up, I'm like I'm an idiot, like I'm not angry anymore, like I realize how stupid and cranky but then there's that 1% where you're like I had a point, no, it hasn't happened yet.
Speaker 6:I do think that is biblical. So I'm not saying I disagree with the Bible. I'm just saying sometimes you need it in a certain context.
Speaker 1:The passage you're referring to. I think it does make a good point. You want to let go of your anger before you go to sleep, so that's a healthy thing to do. However, that doesn't mean you have to solve all your relationship issues that night. There are two separate issues. One let your anger go so that you can go to bed. Two, but if there's something to work on or work through in a relationship, yeah, you can address it the next day. We try to put those two things together of oh, to solve my anger, we need to talk till 2 am in the morning and figure this out. That's not what Paul was saying there. So I think that is a good distinction.
Speaker 1:What happens when, let's say, there's an incident, argument, fight? You may be slightly in the wrong, more or less, but let's say it's mostly the other person. You're actually correct, it's mostly their fault. They won't recognize it, they won't acknowledge, they won't admit, they won't apologize. And now you're left with this. You're angry, you're bitter, you're holding on to it, but they just they're not going to respond in any sort of way on their end. What do you do in those situations?
Speaker 4:all right, so I'll speak because obviously the like depending on the situation, it could be different.
Speaker 4:So I'm just going to speak for me, if this is a friend kind of thing, where it's like they're so mad, like, but they've done something wrong, I'm not saying you've done this, just Justin, because this isn't you, you apologize for literally nothing.
Speaker 4:But for me, what I like to do because I've actually had to deal with some of these situations with people is one if I am so angry, I do not speak to them, and not just out of rudeness, it's just like I don't want to say anything to make the situation worse. So I won't talk to them and I'll get as far away from the situation as I possibly can. And then immediately this is like so I'll get away, won't say anything, I'll leave the situation and then I'll find a quiet place and I'll actually go in prayer and I'll pray not just for my anger, but I'll also pray for them as well, and not some like cynical, like God, strike them down, like you know, like nothing like that, like genuinely ask God for reconciliation on this and to be with them, because most of the time when things get that bad, there's some underlying issue that's more than just the problem that's being presented. If that makes sense.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 5:I think. So you kind of said what would our reaction be if they will not let down? There's no, no, like it's their way.
Speaker 1:Let's say, yeah, they're mostly in the wrong, but they're not going to admit it.
Speaker 5:So definitely, I feel like, okay, I'll give you an example. So say, you have a parent who kind of um, what's the word Estranged from them? Is that the right word to use Estranged?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 5:Anyway, and you know that they're in the wrong, there's been some things and they'll never apologize and they never will. There will never be a day that that parent will ever say they're sorry for any of those things. I think you just have to accept that that's the way the things are going to be and that's the way they. I think you just have to accept that that's the way that things are going to be and that's the way they are, and you just have to let it go and be like you know what.
Speaker 1:Okay, so accept, let it go. I like that, Mariah Chloe.
Speaker 6:I think you need to be really humble and first acknowledge what you've done, Because you said there was like like, if you've done something, you know more minor.
Speaker 1:Maybe you did something minor.
Speaker 6:Yeah. So maybe first like start with an apology and a humbleness of what you did. But I think some of those most important we learned in our premarital counseling this applies to any kind of relationship too um is do not use you statements. Um, we learned this thing in one of our books that says I feel blank when you blank because blank, and that puts like that's like putting it all on the table. That's like how you feel when this person does this. It's not saying you do this and you were like this and you said this You're not keeping score like you're not, you know, bringing up all their faults and how they're wrong. You're just bringing up how you feel when they do a certain action.
Speaker 1:It's not putting all the weight on them certain actions, not putting all the weight on them, okay.
Speaker 3:So be careful. Yeah, how you talk about it, because being accusatory doesn't often help. Are you adding fuel to the flame or are you trying to put it out? Your words can do both.
Speaker 1:Justin, you wanted to share something.
Speaker 2:I don't think it's relevant.
Speaker 4:actually I was actually going to share something I learned from Justin that he taught me because he's done this really cool thing with the celebrate recovery and like learning and like learning how to get all that started and you know I can't wait to see what he does for people. But something that I learned from just talking with him about stuff like that is uh, cause I've had to deal with people who I know they'll never like Mariah said, like I know they'll never apologize. But what's helped me out a lot is, even though they'll never say sorry, learning to allow Christ to enter into my heart to give them that forgiveness and learning how to just walk in that forgiveness. And I learned that a lot from Justin through his lessons, through Celebrate Recovery and stuff. Like it's really good to just learn how to forgive them even if they're not going to say sorry.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, you can't. You can't go into a situation like that expecting that in return. You need to go to somebody with these things and just knowing that you can do your part of the situation, forgive them. God knows what you've done. You've done your part and if things turn out well amazing, if they don't you've still done the right thing. That's true.
Speaker 3:What about when you found it really hard to forgive someone? What do you do? What if you're not married to them? Plead the fifth.
Speaker 2:Sabbatical, sabbatical.
Speaker 1:I think sometimes Z, because that's a great question. That's a great question. That's a great question with some parts of forgiveness, depending on just how deeply they've hurt you, how deeply they've wronged you. Forgiveness is a can, can be a miracle, if we're being honest, because some people have been hurt extremely badly and, and From a perspective of just earthly, I'm trying to get past it, trying to move on, depending on what's been done to you.
Speaker 3:That can be a miracle.
Speaker 1:And so it's going to the Lord in prayer, saying God, I can't forgive this person. I need your supernatural help to change my heart, because if it's up to me, I'm going to hold on to it forever.
Speaker 4:That's really how I think of it, because you think about the verse where it's like peace that surpasses all understanding. A miracle doesn't have to just stop with peace. It could be forgiveness. You could get that blessing of being able to forgive somebody and everybody else would look at you like there's no possible way. It's straight up like I would view it as a miracle.
Speaker 2:That's something as well when you talk about the way of estranged parents. I never thought that I would ever get an apology from my mom about the stuff that's happened with my mom, but God works in wonderful ways.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So don't lose hope. If that's something you're going through, god can work miracles.
Speaker 4:And I think too when it comes to resolution conflicts, is you have to enter it, just like you would enter anything else. You first have to like you can't think about how you want it to benefit you if that makes sense. You can't go in and think it has to be your way and that's the only way that it's going to work out, because then we lose sight of just how powerful God really is. And so it's just like with anything in life, whether it is conflict resolution or prayer, anything like that you go to God first and you just lay it all at his feet and then you just remain obedient and faithful to him and it just works out.
Speaker 4:It's almost like that's how it was meant to be.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's wild. So I think those are good points and we can keep moving on in this direction if y'all want. But I also want to address the other side, when you know you've messed up, yeah, all right. How do you construct, how do you build a good apology?
Speaker 4:What should be contained in a good apology. So I've been on this side a lot, so I've got a lot of experience with this. So a really good apology, a really good apology, is one you've got to first ask yourself am I actually sorry for what I've done? Because if you're not actually sorry and you just want to band-aid the solution, you're going to have this apology of just like, say whatever you want, but nothing's going to change. So for me, one you've got to be truly sorry, and then, when you apologize, don't fluff it up, don't try to say all these beautiful, wonderful things.
Speaker 2:What he's saying is don't give an excuse.
Speaker 4:Yeah, don't give an excuse I'm sorry, but I'm sorry. But Never say I'm sorry, but Just state I'm sorry, this is what I've done. I I'm sorry, this is what I've done. I'm sorry I've caused the pain that I've caused you. And then you just leave it at that and, as me and Nate have talked about, whatever response they have is what they have.
Speaker 2:But at the end of the day, you've done your part and you've been a good servant of Christ by doing what you do.
Speaker 4:Yeah, okay.
Speaker 3:We kind of brought it up earlier with the anger thing. But I think going into all the things you just said were good. The only thing I was originally just going to say I'm sorry, period. Like you said, I think that's been the biggest help, because it's anytime I add a but or something, it immediately starts going downhill. Chloe can attest to that. The night before we were supposed to do the podcast, I did that, so it was kind of prophetic and it doesn't work out. But, dude, the only other thing I was going to add and I'm sorry if you said this and I just didn't catch it, but sorry, there was a but.
Speaker 5:But no prayer.
Speaker 3:Prayer, like I don't know why this has been something like for me. Y'all probably all have done it, but for me is there something that I literally just started doing like a year ago. I'm like, why did I just now start doing this? And it was like over something small things, like my mom was getting on my nerves about something and I just felt like so much hatred and anger about something so stupid and I was like I finally was like God, please help me.
Speaker 5:I take this anger away like praying about it.
Speaker 3:I'm just like, as a Christian, that should have been my first instinct. But like I'm 28 and I'm just learning about it at 28.
Speaker 4:You know, I literally just started doing it like a couple months ago. So I know I'm with you, but yeah, I'm like why didn't we think of this to begin?
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 6:But it helps a ton. Yeah, involve prayer. I think, um, another good part of an apology is just saying what exactly you're sorry for, because I just know that there's many times, like in my past with my parents, like I would just say I'm sorry. Just to say it like, um, so they'd be like, oh, you apologize, great job. But like if you actually can tell the person what you're sorry for, you recognize your wrongs and you want to try to change from that next time you?
Speaker 4:Yeah, I think that's good and then, oh just and this is like on the last part of like, so you know we apologize and say no, like don't give excuses and stuff like that when you're done with your apology, where I think a lot of people get it wrong it's like they'll give a good apology. And this is literally speaking from experience. This is not like this is. I've literally made this mistake plenty of times. Respect the boundaries after. Don't try to like overstep anything. Just because you got an apology doesn't mean everything's back to normal. Their trust is still broken. They're still hurt. There's still healing that needs to be done. So the best thing you need to do is, whatever boundaries are set Like if you break up with somebody and've apologized, let's say it's just a nasty breakup, you admit you're wrong. Respect the boundary. Don't try to make things go back to normal. Don't try to force situations to be normal again. Respect boundaries and heal.
Speaker 1:I think that's a great point, because forgiveness and apologies, those are good things, but trust takes time, and so this often happens with parents and children, or vice versa, where there will be an apology and then the other party says well, I apologize, why can't we go back to whatever, why can't we? And well, you've got to build trust again and so you have, like you said, boundaries and rules. It takes time to build that back.
Speaker 3:I think you're dancing around a point that you made me think of, but anytime you've wronged someone else I'm trying to think through my head right now, so you'll help me think through this, but anytime you, thank you for closing your eyes to do this.
Speaker 4:I'm getting in your head.
Speaker 3:Thank you, but I mean think about it. Anytime you've wronged someone else, something has been done against them. And let's say, if it was a monetary like if you just stole money you could just pay back the money and then you're even right, right. But if you lie or do something that isn't monetary or physical to someone else that you are now indebted to them, how do you pay that back? How can that debt be paid? If you've done something wrong that can't be physically repaid, go ahead, mariah.
Speaker 5:I think it's their decision if they want to decide to reconcile with you or whatever.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I agree with Mariah. I think it's just like what me and Nate talked about is you can only say you're sorry, so I've done. That I'll just use like I'm very crappy when it comes to relationships, so I've wronged a lot of people in my past relationships and I have apologized to those people. But where I go wrong is, you know, not respecting the boundary part trying to make things go back to normal when that's not the case and so, yeah, it stinks because you know there's that part of that.
Speaker 4:That's how I think a debt is forgiven is when things can go back to normal, because that shows me that there's trust again there and there's all this. So what do you do when you can't go back that way and I, you know you just have to. I guess you just kind of. For me, the way I know, is like, if I am sorry for what I've done, and then I truly go to work on myself, that doesn't mean that that is going to go back to normal, but that's kind of like how I repay that debt is by not giving it to somebody else, like, yeah, this person, they've forgiven me, but I may never be able to have that same relationship with that person ever again.
Speaker 3:But think about this when they forgive you, in a sense, what they're saying is your debt's been covered. That doesn't mean that the debt just disappeared. It means that by forgiving that, they're saying you what you did was wrong and you deserve some form of punishment.
Speaker 3:punishment sounds like a harsh word, but some form of punishment needs to be taken, and they're saying I'm going to take on the punishment of, I'm going to take the hurt of that, I'm going to forgive you anyways, instead of making you constantly feel bad about it, and I feel like that's kind of a reflection of what christ does for us in the sense of like.
Speaker 3:Anytime we forgive another person, we're essentially becoming not. We're reflecting christ in that situation, because we're taking on the debt to say, hey, you wronged me, you deserve punishment, but I'm not going to enforce that, I'm just going to forgive you 100, and I guess on the flip side of that too is, like you know, because christ took that punishment on for us and we should live accordingly to him, like we can sacrifice our life for Christ as well.
Speaker 4:And so, in a way like, yeah, they'll take on, like, even if you can't really like, if you physically or mentally or spiritually or physically have wronged somebody and you can't really repay that debt like monetary value, you know, a good way of paying it forward, in my opinion, is not doing it, like not doing those things to someone else, like I feel like that that's the best way to do it. I feel like there's healing on both sides. You know, you give them the space for them to heal and then you're also healing as well, so you don't go and commit the same mistakes on somebody else.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so what are y'all's thoughts on the silent treatment? Any, all right. Y'all's thoughts on the silent treatment? Any, all right. You messed up, you made an argument or whatever, and then the other person or maybe this is you you start, you stop talking to that person for a period of time.
Speaker 4:Thoughts on that I don't like I said it's like I wouldn't say this like applicable for all situations, because some situations are like totally different, but I'm not. I'm not against the silent treatment in the sense of, especially if it's like you've handled it in a way. Are you talking about giving them a silent treatment without handling the situation?
Speaker 1:Yes, so you wronged a person or they wronged you, and the response is I'm not going to talk to you?
Speaker 4:I think it's just something that you have to respect. It's just that's their response. You can't really.
Speaker 3:Who's going first? I don't think it's healthy.
Speaker 4:I don't think it's healthy, but I don't think you can do anything to.
Speaker 3:Okay, well, yeah, I think. But if your question is, is it something we should do? I'm going to go back to my original one of like we in a sense say that we're going to set the thing to the side for a second. So we may. If Chloe's mad at me or I'm mad at her, we're going to say, okay, we're going to take a break, I'm going to set it to the side, we're both going to pray and think about it. For now. We probably don't actually say that, but that's what we should be doing and in a sense, we're silencing the issue. But we're not giving each other silence. We're not punishing the person and saying, oh, I'm not going to talk to you at all because of what you did. I don't know, maybe I'm trying to think of a situation where that would be healthy. There's a I can understand having wanting distance and telling the person like, hey, I just need time right now. I need distance away. That doesn't. That's not the same as just not saying anything. Saying literally.
Speaker 1:Are we talking?
Speaker 4:about ghosting, where you just ghost someone.
Speaker 1:Well, using that word is a little bit different. I wouldn't say ghosting. This is again there's argument, there's a fight. Someone responds by completely just not talking to you Okay.
Speaker 4:Okay then, if that's the case, I think that's just. I'm with Zeke on that. I think that's just Not in the sense that he said this, but I'm just saying to me that's just immature.
Speaker 3:You ain't got to explain everything If you just say the words I need time, and then you don't want to talk. I'm okay with that. I do see a little bit of immaturity. I'm not thinking of like abusive or something like that, but I'm just talking about general. I'm mad at you for something stupid you did.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I can think for me specifically times at work I've fought with a coworker or something like that. I know because I have a terrible temper what If I go and try to. I agree.
Speaker 3:I do. I do have a bad temper, thank you.
Speaker 2:If I go and try to talk to them, it's going to result, because I handle anger very poorly it's going to result in me screaming. It's going to start in me trying to do something and it's going to result in me screaming because I get too emotional. So I do that, but it's not for like a long, long period of time. It's more like do the quote-unquote silent treatment for like really no more than a week A week. I've never done it longer than a week A week.
Speaker 5:You ghost me for a week, I think in his context he's leaning towards like a coworker.
Speaker 2:You're just screaming. And I think y'all hit the nail on the head we can't avoid each other.
Speaker 1:The silent treatment does not replace the need for communication. Let them know. Hey, I need space, I need time and we will talk at some point soon, and then also I wouldn't drag it out too terribly long after that.
Speaker 3:Zeke, I think we heard someone who spoke on this who's a counselor. Of course, this is very common with parents and children. I'm sure most of us have had the silent treatment from a parent at least one time in our life.
Speaker 5:The opposite, Really Todd the opposite. I got the yelling treatment. Yeah, we got the yelling treatment, See I feel like that's the well.
Speaker 3:I had both extremes, but we got the yelling treatment. See, I feel like that's the well, I had both extremes. But I feel like those are typically the two extremes either constant screaming, or it's complete silence, or occasionally both.
Speaker 4:Oh yeah, no, I've never got the silent treatment ever.
Speaker 3:I don't know. I've heard that it's not healthy because, in a sense, what you're telling your kid is you messed up so bad that I want to pretend like you don't exist? That's what it sounds like to me. What it sounds like to me, nate, you want to correct me, I think that's accurate.
Speaker 3:So I think, as we grow up, none of us here have kids because McKenzie and Isaac aren't here. But I mean, I think that's. I mean it probably goes to other people too. Like I said, the communication part's important to say, hey, there's a reason I just can't talk to you right now. It's not that I don't care about you.
Speaker 4:Time that's completely different from just shutting them off and pretending like they're not there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's just immature, in my opinion any other broad thoughts on communicating and trying to resolve and heal after a fight or conflict. And then I'll have just a final gospel uh, take home, but anything else y'all want to share.
Speaker 4:Don't love bomb don't love bomb.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's a phenomenal point.
Speaker 3:Blake just brought up Hold on. I'm glad this is rare. Hold on. Blake had a good point.
Speaker 1:Blake had a great point where sometimes after a fight, uh, the other person will be all nicey, nicey friendly, joking as if it never happened, and so that way you don't have to have awkward conversations, you can just move on. What do y'all? Blake calls it love bombing. What do y'all think about that? A person who they don't address what happens, but they just try to move on and act like it's all good.
Speaker 4:I think that's just a recipe for narcissism.
Speaker 5:I think that's it is a dangerous game to play. I say I'll admit I do that I don't like conflict at all. So I'll just be like, hey, everything's fine, Even if I'm dying Like I think that's not. Yeah, with conflict too, yeah.
Speaker 4:But that's not love bombing.
Speaker 5:Love bombing when you're like, yeah, I guess that's not love bombing, that's just deflecting. But love bombing, you could do it. Yeah, I guess that's not love bombing, that's just deflecting, but love bombing.
Speaker 1:You could do it accidentally.
Speaker 5:I feel like Y'all are around the same thing.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I feel like I'm talking about more intentionality. You're doing it like you're just being so nice because you don't want to have to deal with the consequences. That's more like you do that. Yeah, I've done it too, Okay, high five, yeah, high five for trauma.
Speaker 1:Chloe, did you want to bring something up? I saw you brought out your notes. Yeah, Chloe, please add to this.
Speaker 6:It's kind of an off topic, but on topic at the same time.
Speaker 3:How do you prevent conflict? Yeah, I have two tips on preventing conflict. And one of them is from a guy in this room.
Speaker 6:Oh I didn't know that was from him.
Speaker 3:Okay, sorry.
Speaker 6:Okay, well, Nate, one of your pieces of advice has helped us a lot.
Speaker 1:Maybe I don't know, I haven't heard it yet.
Speaker 6:So a way to prevent conflict is like, say, I come home from a really bad day and I just want to rant to Zeke All this stuff, blah, blah, blah and if he like, there's three ways. He can ask me how he can help me Okay, he can ask me how he can help me. Okay, he could say would you like a hug or would you like advice or would you do you just want me to listen? And that's honestly been really helpful. It's mostly listen, yeah, because sometimes I just want to rant about my day and that's terrible. But that's been really helpful because Zeke is a guy. I'm assuming Wait, what You're assuming? You?
Speaker 3:don't know, Zeke, as a guy I'm assuming Wait what You're assuming.
Speaker 1:You don't know Zeke as a guy at this point. No.
Speaker 6:I said Zeke as a guy, not is a guy. Oh, okay.
Speaker 1:I was hoping at this point in the marriage. I would hope that you could confirm is a guy.
Speaker 6:Zeke is a guy, but Zeke as a guy I'm assuming as a guy he would want to come straight to me with advice with my problems. Um, as a guy he would want to come straight to me with advice with my problems, like, oh, why didn't you?
Speaker 6:just do this or say this or like you know, but I don't want to hear that most of the time, because sometimes I'm like, wow, I feel stupid, I didn't even think of that, or like you know, something like most of the time I just want to hug or I want him to listen and I think that helps prevent conflict, cause if I'm like kind of you know, I'm just in a rage because of my day, like all this stuff, and then he tries to come at me with advice, I might just get like more upset because that's not what I'm looking for in that instance.
Speaker 6:Good communication, yes, and then the second one that we've been trying to implement more lately is never using the words never or always, in any case.
Speaker 1:Bless you Sorry.
Speaker 5:Chloe, you um in any way, you always do that I know, you just roared like a thing.
Speaker 4:She just had an exorcism I just ate too, so she's short-circuited, I'm sorry I've been sick this week.
Speaker 6:I'm really stuffy, um, but yes, so that's that's been really helpful, because I can't say, zeke, you always say this when this happens, because that's not true. He doesn doesn't always. Or I can't say Zeke, you never help me pick up this thing, because that's not true. He does. So that's just being very too exaggerated and it makes it makes him, it would make him mad.
Speaker 1:Always and never.
Speaker 4:I like that Is that just a rule between you two, or is that just?
Speaker 1:a rule for everyone.
Speaker 4:No, what, We'll be playing Rocket League and Zeke will be like here, comes the pass Blake and obviously I suck, so I don't get it and he goes. I just never have any help.
Speaker 6:Just take those words out of your vocabulary. Zeke, do we need?
Speaker 1:to do marital counseling with Blake? Yes, one.
Speaker 3:Two, when I say never to.
Speaker 1:Blake, I mean never. Zeke is like I'm going full throttle into this Dude, that's just rude bro, I help you out more Like never, Never.
Speaker 4:I'm just kidding. And he goes and you're always in the way.
Speaker 3:Yes, always. You block our own shots On purpose.
Speaker 1:That's kind of impressive. All right, so, chloe, I like that. Good communication rules Be careful the language you use and clarify what you need from the other person as you go to talk to them. All right, anything else? Big picture Thoughts, comments, questions, blake.
Speaker 4:When me and Justin get into our little lover's quarrels, we always find that a nice date fixes everything.
Speaker 3:So you just push away the problems with money.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 4:And kissing.
Speaker 2:Okay, especially kissing.
Speaker 6:Yeah, that's also not true, Kissing, we believe that kissing, that's how you solve everything, true?
Speaker 4:Sometimes, if we're a little too mad, we do do some kind of butterfly kisses.
Speaker 2:you know, with your eyelashes Butterfly kisses.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it doesn't work in every situation, like when I went for my parking ticket. The judge wasn't too happy.
Speaker 2:Neither was the correctional officer. He also had pink eye that day.
Speaker 4:Or the inmate Just didn't do good, or my bonds, or my lawyer. My dad was really not happy.
Speaker 1:Understood.
Speaker 4:All for parking tickets.
Speaker 1:He just kissed his dad on his mouth.
Speaker 2:He should have just done the butterfly kisses then.
Speaker 1:Blake, we don't want to copy Tom Brady with everything.
Speaker 3:Actually, do you have that many rings?
Speaker 1:Do you kiss your son? Well, I have the ring that matters. Tom Brady lost his Lord of the Rings.
Speaker 4:Oh wow, hey, Tom Brady, you didn't know he got divorced from.
Speaker 3:Giselle. Yeah, he chose both, tom.
Speaker 4:Brady, if you're listening to this podcast, we know how to get your marriage back. Jesus, jesus.
Speaker 1:All right, speaking of Jesus, that's actually a great segue Subway.
Speaker 4:Great subway, I want to write a segue.
Speaker 1:Ultimately, with forgiveness and conflict resolution, we seek harmony in our relationships, because ultimately, that's what God's done with us. We rebelled, we ran from him and by sending Jesus to the earth, well, guess what he's doing? He is repairing, reconciling that relationship, and so we forgive because Christ forgave us. So we can't call ourselves Christians if we then don't forgive those around us and we don't try to heal and mend and repair relationships. And, going to Matthew, blessed are the peacemakers. Notice, jesus didn't say blessed are the peacekeepers. It's peacemakers where we make peace where there was none before, and so that's something that we need to be known for. But anyways, alright, enough of my rambling.
Speaker 4:I think that deserves a standing ovation sarcastic clapping let's see who has not taken us home.
Speaker 1:Finish the episode.
Speaker 3:Mariah no, she's taken us home. Justin hasn't been here all year. She did the Bob Dylan impression.
Speaker 1:The Bob Dylan impression. That wasn't very good, yes, we're.
Speaker 5:Justin hasn't been here all year. I'll say the first part.
Speaker 1:Justin, it's been a moment since you've been in a Whoops my bad, I mean.
Speaker 4:I don't know why I said that. I said in a podcast episode. He said it's been a moment since you've been in a relation, and then he caught himself.
Speaker 1:I was like I don't know why I said that. Podcast episode.
Speaker 3:Relation podcast episode.
Speaker 4:You take us home by taking Nate to the cleaners.
Speaker 2:Well, I just want to tell you, nate, it's been a moment since you've had a forehead smaller than the size of Antarctica, so shut up, go off, keep going.
Speaker 1:I've actually worked with my sermon illustration today. Boom roll you look like great value, jesus. Boom roasted. That was good, thank you.
Speaker 2:I think we just end it right there have a good day.
Speaker 3:Wow, are y'all ready?
Speaker 1:Guys right.
Speaker 3:Guys, seriously, that's the way we can never start on time. He never says it, but it's just that he's ready to hear himself talk.
Speaker 4:He's ready to hear himself in his headphones.
Speaker 3:He just plays all the old podcasts on loop.
Speaker 2:He edited it to where it's only him talking.
Speaker 4:It's just the best of Nate Williams and it's just all of us cut out.
Speaker 2:They're all private, it's only he can access Time for my nighttime ASMR Hello. Nathan Williams, you're listening to Nathan Williams.
Speaker 4:No, it's him giving himself daily affirmations like you did so good today, nate.
Speaker 5:You're the goodest boy.
Speaker 4:There's no one like you. Alright, we're ready.
Speaker 3:Okay, we're good.
Speaker 2:Your dad's not upset. You're not a lawyer.
Speaker 3:Justin chill dude.
Speaker 5:Sorry, zeke is crying, go off King.